Excerpt from Paradise


Below is a not quite finished excerpt from my new story which I have yet to settle on a title. Please be honest and tell if this has any real humor to it. I’m looking to possibly try and get this one published and your critiques will be much appreciated. Even if it is unpublishable in a literary magazine, I want to include it in any collection I may produce for self publishing. Thanky.

—————————————————————————————-

Just before I caught a well meaning roundhouse punch from one of the local bubbas, I saw Zeke on his back with two guys grasping his wrists, dragging him toward the door; most of the good beatings took place outside leaving less blood to clean off the floor. He was pleading “please let me go, boys.”

The heavy punch came from a jerk who was a bit drunker than me, landing it on my chest but it still felt like a mule kick. As my knees buckled and my body sank toward the floor between barstools, I saw the old woman make a leaping dive from from her seat at the bar yelling “This’uns mine!”

She hit the floor on her belly with her varicose hands grabbing Zeke’s ankles at the same time her blond wig went sailing over his knee and her complete set of upper false teeth oofed out and landed on his jeans zipper. As she clung to him like a tom cat in heat, Zeke must have seen her toothless grimace and her pink-scalped and nearly bald head of very thin and short white hair. The last thing I remember as my head thumped the concrete floor was Zeke screaming, “please kill me boys!”

Advertisements
Published in: on May 25, 2011 at 1:21 pm  Comments (5)  

The URI to TrackBack this entry is: https://looselaces.wordpress.com/2011/05/25/excerpt-from-paradise/trackback/

RSS feed for comments on this post.

5 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. intriging. I want to read it several more times and roll it around in my mouth and brain before I comment further. Busy w/ work and don’t have the time now to give it adequate attention. The song from yesterday is appropriate I always liked this song. We are going to see Mark this weekend… photos forthcoming! xoxo

    • I eagerly await your take on this. Good that you have enough work to keep you busy. I like the song and the band.
      Oh, god! You’ll be wanting second helpings of Mark’s bunny stew and chipmunk pie!
      Thanks, Tammy.

  2. I eagerly await your take on this. Good that you have enough work to keep you busy. I like the song and the band.
    Oh, god! You’ll be wanting second helpings of Mark’s bunny stew and chipmunk pie!
    Thanks, Tammy.

  3. Take out “punch” in the first sentence.

    It is hard to put into context not knowing any backstory. That being said we often buy books based on a blurb and the cover. The blurb is pointed in the right direction.

    • Thanks for the feedback, my friend. All the words are subject to change.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: